We all know that people aren’t perfect!!! In fact we are all perfectly imperfect. Amongst our perfections and imperfections we have standards in which we live our lives. These standards drive us in our decision making, problem solving, relationships, lifestyle and more. Our standards are uniquely our own and we all know that people aren’t always going to live up to our standards.
Being stepmums it can be easy to find fault in the decisions and actions of the biological mother. It is perfectly normal to have different perspectives and approaches to life. Though, battling these differences and making judgments can cause a lot of stress, energy depletion and grief for you, the stepmum.
Finding fault in another is often fueled by many emotions. For example, it is easy to find fault in others when you aren’t feeling good about yourself. In your role as a stepmum you might not feel as important, valued and needed as the biological mother. You may be battling courts, custody arrangements, child support costs and more. So, there is a lot to deal with and many opportunities to find fault in the children’s mother. However, my message today is ‘Don’t Slam Her!’
Even though you’re coming from a place of holding the children’s best interests at heart, she is probably too. Whilst that might not be the way you’d do it, I believe we ALL do the very best that we can with what we know how. Slamming the biological mother is not going to do any good, if anything it could make things worse.
Here are 5 tips to help you with this topic:
1. Avoid speaking negatively about the biological mother to your partner unless it is a constructive conversation. Beware of getting into a negative cycle.
2. Refrain from negative speak in front of the children.
3. Come from a place of compassion as you are not living in the shoes of the biological mother. You will never know the full truth of her life experience. Holding a place of compassion will benefit you immensely and set you free.
4. Speak to a counsellor. If you have concerns about the welfare of your stepkids this is a place to share it. Your counsellor has a duty of care to ensure children are safe and well looked after. Your counsellor will also help you to unpack your experience and offer you guidance.
5. Try to communicate something positive to the biological mother in your interactions. For example, ‘thank you for putting John’s lunch box in his bag when he was on his way to our place.’ Make a list of these positive comments, so you can have them ready to go. If your positivity is not reciprocated take a deep breath and move on. Don’t get into unnecessary arguments and perpetuate a negate cycle.
‘Don’t Slam the Biological Mother’ is a powerful message and if you can refrain from stepping into any negative conversations about her you will notice a difference in how you feel. It is important to take away from this post a sense that you have a right to your standards and so does she. You might disagree with her standards, though coming from a place of compassion and no judgment will change your experience as a stepmum.
Head on over to the facebook group Amazing Stepmums and let us know how you maintain a positive mindset in your role as a stepmum.
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